The World of Computer Software/The World of Computer Software.iso/menrules.zip/REALMEN.TXT

Text File | 1993-01-14 | 8KB | 155 lines

MEN'S UNSPOKEN RULES
..........
By Mark Canter

Nobody knows who wrote them, but every guy knows them.

When the movie E.T. first came out, a woman I know was surprised that her
husband had shed a tear or two during the scene where the alien munchkin
dies.  This same guy, see, hadn't so much as misted an eye at the "Terms of
Endearment," but a kid's movie got him where he lived.

That's not so odd, I said.  Her husband was just following the rules: Guys
must stay strong and tear-free through tragedies, but are permitted to cry
over the death of a pet (and E.T. was essentially Old Yeller from outer>
space).  The only time I ever saw my father cry was the day we buried our
beloved dog: As we lowered Duke into a hole in the backyard, he hung his
head and bawled.

Men follow a covert propriety--a set of unspoken rules that govern our ways
and define what it is to be MALE.  It's more than just knowing when it's
okay for a red-blooded all-american guy to cry; there are dozens of inner
"prime directives" that tell us how to act like a real man.

Where do these by-laws come from?  From everywhere: Dad, first-grade
readers, coaches, the Hardy Boys, baseball players, Ben Cartwright, Captin
James T. Kirk, older brothers, the Boy Scouts and Ozzie Nelson; and from
hanging out with the guys.

Some anthropologists say the codes we follow today were set down way back
when men got together to paint bison and saber-toothed tigers on the walls
of caves.  "Many of these behaviors have been selected by evolution,"
explains Warren Farrell, Ph.D., author of the book "Why Men Are the Way They
Are."  "For example, it's a rule that men are supposed to be tough and
protect women.  This traces back to acient times, when if women bred with
men who were gentle and sensitive, those guys got wiped out by invading
tribes.  The men who were able to bash in some enemy skulls and save them-
selves and their women and children were the ones whose genes were passed
on."

For modern men, we've compiled a brief list of  those  unspoken guidelines.
These rules look fairly ridiculous on paper, but now that we've documented
them, you can show them to your wife or girlfriend and say, "See, honey, I'm
not the only one who does this stuff..."

THE MALE PRIME DIRECTIVES:

* On car trips with the family, never ask for directions when you're lost...

  Just keep driving aimlessly around, searching for the mysterious Lost
  Street of the Damned.  Navigate by the seat of your pants like the great
  Lewis and Clark explorers of old.

* But it's okay to stop for directions when driving with another guy...
  because he won't sit patiently as you pass the same McDonald's for the
  third time.

* Inch forward at stoplights to keep up with the guys in the cars on both
  sides....It's all about who's out in front.

* Even if you don't know a hub cap from a distributor cap, never admit
  you're  a stranger to the male domain of auto mechanics....If your car
  won't run and you're at a loss for words, try "Could be a cracked ring.
  Have you checked the compression?"

* A real man doesn't need the instruction sheet to figure out something as
  simple as programming his new VCR...but to cook something as simple as
  oatmeal, a guy will follow the recipe with the exactitude of a chemical
  engineer.

* Don't confess that you know little, and could care less, about a
  particular sport, especially if it's during the finals...."Yeah, that Bo,
  he's really something.  WOW!, did you see that hook shot!."

* Never admit you don't understand a political  issue....Opinions are like
  whiskers.  You're not an adult male without them.

* There's no need to consult the TV Guide when there'e a remote control
  handy...Just divebomb through all 51 channels, evading commercials like
  flak, in the never-ending search for a suitable landing spot.

* If you spill something on the floor, clean it up with a bath towel....It's
  unmanly to get down on the floor, so just slop the towel around with your
  feet.

* Never pay one of your buddies a compliment.  Instead say things like
  "Where'd you get your haircut, the school for the blind?" or "Who is that
  awesome blonde I saw you with, and what are you going to do for a date
  once she meets  me?"...He'll instinctively get the message that this means
  you value his friendship.

* If a man cuts you with one of those insults, tell your girlfriend that it
  hurt your feelings, and you'll come off more sensitive  than  Phil
  Donahue.  But never reveal it to the other guy...."Coach,  when  you said
  I was a low-life turdbrained doofus for striking out with the bases
  loaded, it made me feel small and sad."

* Never reveal anything about your true, actual authentic and biological sex
  life to another guy...unless the guy is a urologist.

* A man should make as much as or more money than his girlfriend or wife. He
  should be as tall or taller, and at least as smart.  Naturally, he should
  be able to outplay her in many activity, from Ping-Pong to chess... Having
  met these requirements, he should be liberated enough to be unconcerned
  about such things.

* If there are more than two urinals in a restroom and one is being used,
  proceed to the farthest available urinal.  If a line has  formed, maintain
  proper spacing of at least 3 feet back from the guy using the urinal....
  Above all, if nothing happens within 30 seconds,  don't just stand there
  like a geek; shake (3 shakes maximum, anymore and the guy next to you will
  probably ask you for a date), zip up your fly, flush the toilet and walk
  away.

* When you're in the men's room alone you needn't wash your hands when
  you're finished...but if another guy is in there with you, scrub your
  hands as if you were preparing for brain surgery.

* If you can't take it, you're not a man  (whatever "it" might be)....Maybe
  you're scared of roller coasters, but if your buddies want to go on
  one,you'd better gird your loins and groan through the zero-Gs or you'll
  never hear the end of it.

* Ingore or deny physical pain...As  comedian Billy Crystal reports, "Mike
  Tyson once hit Trevor Berbick so hard, Trevor did the dance Ann-Margret
  did in Bye Bye, Birdie.  Did he hurt you, Trevor?   'I was, ah, stunned,
  that's all, just stunned.'"

* Never openly display a broken heart or discuss it with other guys...That's
  between you, your six-pack and your collection of Frank Sinatra records.

* Don't tell another man your deepest hopes or fears....That' s like saying,
  "How do you like my suit of armor"  It's only got two weak spots in it--
  here and here."

* If you want to lose weight, don't even think about giving up Ben & Jerry's
  Chuncky Monkey ice cream....Instead, pull on your running shoes and pound
  those calories into submission.

* Every guy should be hip about guns....Hand an economics professor a
  Remington, and even if he's never been with 100 light years of a gun
  before, he'll work the action, sight down the barrel and generally act
  like a reincarnation of Daniel Boone or Rambo.

* If your girlfriend is looking on, flip aloofly through that issue of
  Playboy as if it were a Better Homes and Gardens special issue on
  Tupperware.  In a huddle of your peers, pause regularly to utter
  appreciative comments like "WOW!  Check  that  out!"...and  if you're
  alone, study and quantify each curve like a forensic scientist.

* When shopping with your mate, do not trail her into the women's lingerie
  department....Stand clear of those racks of silk-and-lace panties like a
  mechanic would avoid the Whirling Fanblades of Death.